How to Understand Men
As a life coach, I am inundated with clients who are having issues with their intimate relationships. One of the most common complaints I hear from the women I serve is that they just don't understand men. These clients fume in relentless self-talk wondering the answers to questions such as "why can't he just listen to me?", "why won't he just do what I need him to do?", "what is so hard for him to just pick up the phone?" and the list goes on. The following 5 tips will assist you in reexamining your relationships so that you can begin to truly understand men.
Are you suffering from the need to be rescued? The first key to understanding men is to realize that a man can not complete you. Let me say that again; a man can not complete you. You have to be whole in yourself and by yourself before you ever even think about entering a relationship. I watched the most beautiful love story not too long ago called "August Rush". The most memorable scene for me was when a young woman affected by a severe loss of love was in a deep conversation with her best friend about happiness. Her friend asked her the most powerful question one can ever ask themselves, "are you happy after everyone else goes home?" I want you to think about that for a moment. Are you happy after everyone else goes home? When you are sitting by yourself can you truly say that you are fulfilled and at peace with who you are? If the answer is no, then it is time to do some work on yourself. Until you can answer this question with a definitive "yes", then you are not ready for a relationship. You will only bring negativity and baggage to the table. Your potential mate can not fill that empty space. That hole can only be filled by you. It places an unfair expectation on your mate to give him that responsibility.
If love is always fleeting, it might be time to look inside yourself for answers.
That brings me to the next step to understanding men; know yourself. You will need to examine who you are, what you want out of your life and how you will achieve that. This may require taking a look at all the things, the circumstances, the negative and positive talk that has created who you are today. We are all made up of values, morals, beliefs and expectations that may or may not be of our own choosing. It is up to you to increase your self-awareness so that you can have a clear understanding of what you need and want in your life. For instance, if you are a product of a single-parent household, maybe you have issues with older men. Or if you come from an abusive childhood, perhaps there is a pattern there. You owe it to yourself and your future partner to do the work to become as self-aware as possible so that you can overcome those innate, negative, self-sabotaging roadblocks that are the detriment to a fulfilling relationship.
Is your mate your complement?
Once you have fully examined yourself, know your purpose in life and are firmly planted on the road to achieving that big picture, you are ready for the next step; finding your complement. Opposites do not attract. I know you have heard that they do but this is a myth. Opposites do not attract, complements do. For instance, if you are a person who loves to talk, then you should not be with someone who hates conversations. That is your opposite and would never work. You would never understand him. But on the other hand, if your talkative nature attracted someone who loved to listen, then he is your complement. You can work well together and understand one another. This is what is meant in the Holy Bible by not choosing someone who is "unequally yoked". You have to be on the same level in order to communicate effectively and truly be partners within the relationship. Opposites can not do this. Only complements can. Reexamine your likes, dislikes, passions and pet peeves for the type of person who might complement you. Anyone who is your opposite should be immediately disqualified. Your mate should be the yin to your yang.
Can you recognize true love when you see it?
By now you have a running list of all the things you want from your mate. You know exactly who will do well as your complement. Now here is where many women fall short in the journey to finding true love; never expect more from your mate than you are willing to give yourself. How can you expect your man to respect and honor you if you don't give him that same respect? How can you desire a man who is financially secure if you don't manage your money well or have severely poor credit? This is the time for further self-examination. I am sure you have heard that if you want to get to a certain point in your life then you need to surround yourself with those who are already there. Let me add one additional caveat to this - you must also be working diligently to get there yourself. Being in the company of those who are where you want to be can only serve as inspiration but it is up to you to do the work to actually get there. Don't expect your mate to be all that you want and desire if you are not all that you want and desire or at least working on it. Furthermore, if you are lucky enough to encounter someone who is at least on the road, don't discount him for having not yet arrived if you haven't gotten their either. Many women lose out on true love for the belief that his having not yet achieved success is a shortcoming rather than viewing his consistent hard work as a strength.
Willing him to be the right one will only set yourself up for missing the one who is.
The final step in understanding men is to not read more into the relationship than what is there right before you. We all get red flags from time to time but we choose to ignore them. When seeking a committed relationship you have to throw that bad habit out the door. Those red flags are waving for a reason. Something that man has done or said clearly identified that he is not your complement and may be in fact your opposite and we already know that opposites do not attract. So instead of asking all those questions about "why" he isn't this or that, how about asking yourself why you're even into him. Afterall, Greg Behrendt has already clued as in that "maybe he's just not that into you." So guess what? You don't have to be into him either. Wasting your time with fruitless, deadend relationships only prevents you from finding the fulfilling relationship you want, need and deserve.